I’ve had my fair share of boyfriends, so I’ve naturally had some (*cough* many more than I would like *cough) breakups. Some have been amicable, others have been a bloodbath … 😦
Hello everyone! My name is Bea and welcome back to the blog.
For Day 2 of Blogmas, I am going to discuss how NOT to break up. I’ve had some clean and some really messy breakups (it took over one year to me to resolve my last breakup). I’ve learnt what to say and do, and what to hold in. This won’t be a guide, or step-by-step manual as such, but just some suggestions for you, if ever you and your partner (or future partner, for all you Single Pringles out there!) break up.
I hope there are a few LOL-worthy moments in this chat with you, but I fear that this may be a more sombre affair. However, tomorrow’s post will be more uplifting, or at least positively constructive.
I have learnt that it is never a good idea to break up online. Facebook, Messages, kik, WhatsApp, text … This is one of my golden breakup rules. I have been the dumpee over text twice and have been the dumper over text once. It causes a lot of hurt, distrust and anger on both sides and is a coward’s way to end a relationship, especially one that has been long-term or long-distance.
Do not swear or be abusive at any time before, during or after a break up. I have been the perpetrator and the victim here, and it causes a lot of pain, regret and shame. No matter the reason you and your partner are separating, no matter who has done what – be respectful and compassionate. While, you might feel a quick boost from shooting your partner down, or ‘getting even’ with them after they insult you, but karma is a wonderful thing and it’s guaranteed that yo’ ass will get a wooping when the time is right (or very inconvenient). Instead, find another way to express your anger, constructively or safely. When my last relationship came to an end one year ago, I admit to once threatening to hurt my ex and it was only a few days ago that that issue was resolved and my ex knew that I could never hurt him. I urge you to not take it out on your ex, regardless of what’s been done.
Be honest with them. Speak openly, earnestly and gently about how you are feeling. It’s so important that both of you know how the other is truly feeling and if you can lessen their pain, even a little. Just because you are not romantically involved anymore, doesn’t mean that your armour should come on, and walls be erected. You cared enough for each other once to tell the truth, so don’t destroy all that by being petty and handling the situation like a 12 year old.
Speak only words of kindness about them and to them.
a) there are very few people whom you can trust
b) whatever you say gets back to you.
These things are some of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my 15 (almost 16) years of walking this Earth. If only I’d learned these two things so much sooner. I can’t believe I trusted people I hardly knew with details – particularly the ugly ones – of my ex’s and my relationship and breakup. What is best to do, is be vague and kind if the topic of your ex comes up. If people ask, simply say, “We had a great time, but we are no longer together. However, we are good friends.”
People are simply digging for dirt, so don’t reward them with a tidbit. Most people who ask about you and your ex don’t actually care about either of you, they just want to stir the pot and spark a drama.
I hope some of you may have found this helpful to read. Some things have been hard to type, but one of my ‘blog values’ which is constantly in the back of my mind is honesty. And if that means telling you things I’m ashamed of, then so be it. Let my mistakes be both a lesson and a support system for you all. Thank you.
// Bea //